Wednesday, August 8, 2018

Krista’s Barbie with me at Wizard World Chicago 2017.

Wednesday again and it seems to have come so quickly. Even though Sunday felt like the longest day in the world because of how hot and uncomfortable it was that day. It was pure misery. Wednesday is the day of struggles, but since I have so many, let’s just focus on the one today: achieving goals. I hate goals, I really do, but I need things to look forward to, we all do. Without something to work towards, we lose hope, focus, and momentum. All that equals pressure and possibly stress… which is why I was never so keen on goals. I know they are good for me, though, like exercise (something else I suck at). Plus with all my anxiety issues, pressure can just run me down. So I find the best way to actually achieve a goal is to make it reasonable as well as something really exciting. If you want a really, really big goal like being a millionaire when you only make $25k a year, for example, is really lofty and stressful if you don’t make a bunch of smaller goals to achieve that one big one. That requires organization and the ability to stick to a plan you set out for yourself. But there is also the problem of creating one straight line towards a goal because that narrow vision could cause you to miss other opportunities that might arise to help you reach your goal in another way. I am a real big fan of the gray area. Flexibility. Especially because I, like many others, am way too easily discouraged. Critical people, problems, stress, lack of enthusiasm from others… all those things can really derail me. I forget that I should stick to something because it makes ME happy. I wish I could think like that more. “You can,” is what the therapist in my head says. But I am so difficult, stubborn, and flat out depressed to listen to that kind of reason. I am just kind of stuck in this cycle of misery… but that is why I decided it is time to revisit the thing I hate: goals.

First off, figure out what might make me happy. The only problem with that is that my depression runs so deep, that even when something should make me happy, I just feel kind of “meh.” Depression really sucks the fun out of life, doesn’t it? It is just so powerful. So here’s what I need to think: “what has made me happy in the past and could it do so again?”

My last real goal was to get Flocked.Media up and running again. I wanted to get the website functional and make sure I had as much of the past content on there as I could. That goal wasn’t just to revive my magazine blog thing; I had a long game. Revive Flocked, reconnect with media contacts, write about stuff I like, and (the biggie) be press again so I can cover shows, and not just any shows, shows I really will like. In the past with Flocked, I felt a duty to cover everything I could (hello burnout) and that meant going to see music I was sooo not into. It did give me an appreciation for some music that is not me, but other times it just made me resent the work. So now I want to be press again, but to events that actually appeal to me. When I had writers in the old days, they would only take what they wanted, so now it is my time to do that.

Flocked was always my baby. Even when I let my sister take it over, it was so hard because it was still my pet project. Eventually, I started to let go a little because she did things with it that made her happy. In the end, because Flocked isn’t about making money, it always needed to be about making me/us happy.

Krista’s Barbie with me at Wizard World Chicago 2016.

So my first goal is complete. Flocked has risen. Second up, press contacts. Also accomplished. Next, the biggest goal of them all, to get a press pass to Wizard World Chicago. As of a few days ago, that goal has also been accomplished. I have even gone beyond it to schedule an interview with a band and there are a couple tours coming here in the coming months that I might try to get into as well. Plus more comic cons, of course. It just feels good to be press again. I think being a part of something bigger than just me is what does it. I think that does it for a lot of people. Having a purpose.

With those goals complete, the next goal in line is to actually get to Wizard World… meaning hotels, travel, food and shopping budgets, and allowing myself to take a long weekend when I feel like I don’t really deserve it. It won’t be easy, I need to amp up my sales online and really stick to it. So far I have had so many other things to do that it is already a week into August and the show is only a couple weeks away. I have been approved as press for 5 days and I am no closer to my goal of actually going. So here comes the hard part of making a plan, writing it out, making it realistic, and sticking to it no matter what gets in my way. That last part goes back to my struggles with being easily discouraged. But I have to make this happen. I spent weeks on Flocked just to get it back to where I could ask for press passes, and now that I have accomplished that, I cannot let myself fail now. But I also cannot shirk my regular bills and responsibilities to make it happen. Man this is depressing… but it also means the time for talk is over; now is the time for action.