Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Welcome to Wednesday and the subject of my struggles. I have so many, though, I am not sure where to start.

Ok, there. Starting. Why is it so hard to start? I think and I think and I think and sometimes I even plan. I do enjoy making lists and just writing out ideas. But then that is where they stay, in my notebook, on my desk, in my purse, or in the notes app on my phone. I often look back at those ideas and think, oh yeah, I have got to do that. Hell, even yesterday when I was so excited about my Doctor Who decals, I still have yet to get them on Etsy. So even when I kind of start, I still create these hurdles to get over. I have issues.

It is all in my head. I am a feeler, an empath. Plus a Pisces. I am a sensitive girl and as such, emotions rule most of my world. No matter what I try, it always comes back to that: feelings. These feelings bring a sense of stress, anxiety, frustration, hopelessness, and general misery. But they also bring inspiration, my spark, my creativity, joy, and relief. I also suffer greatly from depression and anxiety. I take my meds and it dulls those parts of me, but nothing can really release me. I lost my sister two years ago and it profoundly hurts me every single day. This past Sunday was her birthday so I have been a mess, more than usual. I have my highs and lows. My good times and bad. And on top of ALL of that, I have Fibromyalgia. So while I battle all my mental pain, my nerves like to tell me that I am in so much pain. Again, meds take the edge off, but they aren’t a cure. My stamina is laughable. I need to rest a lot, even though I don’t nap, I zone out with a video game or TV. Or sometimes I just go for a ride in my Jeep. Living more in the country than the city, I have plenty of backroads and parks to explore. I especially love the parks with water… the Thornapple River is nearby and it is a great destination for me. I have been to many parks along its shores. I even have a creek running through my backyard.

So that paragraph was sort of a mess of information, but that is my head, my focus (or lack thereof). I just need to get it all out and then review. So right now, my biggest struggle that I am trying to work through is missing my sister like crazy and crying every time any little thing reminds me of her, and this time of year, it is just about everything. The Fourth of July was her holiday because it was so close to her birthday, plus the lure of fireworks. We always had a big family celebration at my Aunt’s cottage. This year we had lunch at the cottage. It was somewhat somber. No fireworks. It was impossibly hot and humid, and my Mom couldn’t make it because she is still healing from a recent knee replacement. I love to help her and have been doing so with errands and chores and rides to appointments. I worry about her, but she is on the mend and soon I can return to my normal level of worrying about her. Oh, I am a worrier, too. Every day, there is something to worry about. Sometimes it is even paralyzing. My sister was a huge supporter of what I do with art, design, crafts… she was a graphic designer and an amazing artist. She was so talented. Sometimes I feel like her legacy. She supported me through so many of my projects… every time I do something she would have loved it hurts. I continue, I soldier on, but it hurts.

I will always struggle with her death. It has been such a devastating loss for my entire family. We hurt together, at least. We aren’t alone.

My various illnesses and mental issues are extremely isolating. But I know there are others out there that share my pains. Someday some of us might even find each other. So I write. I share. I have to.

The more I write about my sister, the more I feel that drive to create something that she would be proud of. So I guess that means I should just get over the stress of creating a new Etsy listing and just get those Doctor Who things out there. She would absolutely love them. I really miss making things for her and giving them to her. I guess I just have to make things in honor of her, now. I know she is out there in spirit, so on with the show, time to get some things done.

For more about how much I miss my sister, see the page Krista’s Barbie or even the About Me page. I really like to put it all out there. It may turn people off of my art or the things I create, but this helps me survive in the world, so I am just going to keep talking about it.